Sepia glow.

I can imagine a luminous glow peeking through, and it could be so fucking magnificent if it wasn't hidden behind your every concern and fear. I am pretending just fine, there are no expectations in this broad daylight. But imagine a day when it could all be so refreshing? Reminiscent of the past that one should never live off of...

Maybe soon I could breathe again. Be able to finally go let of these tensed muscles and cloudy thoughts. Oh, how I wish I could picture the beauty of that first breath.
My lungs will fill up and I will know that I truly want to exhale and have the cycle repeat continuously. The knots in my brain won't untie and I'm about to lose all consciousness. This pain is never ending, and there is no cure. Why must my life be hidden behind these throbbing aches?

send your lifeboats out for me

XO

I'm never going to know you now,
But I'm gonna love you anyhow.

Steven Paul "Elliott" Smith (August 6, 1969 – October 21, 2003)

I Don't Think I'm Ever Gonna Figure It Out

It's hard to believe you were ever really here... You are beyond missed, Elliott. I doubt you could even imagine. I truly hope wherever you are the pain has left and in it's place there is a sense of peace. Every time I think of you, it's hard not to feel sadness creeping in... I need to be strong and remember that you have graciously left us so many of your genius thoughts and beautiful melodies, that I am so very thankful for. You have helped me through some difficult days. Thank you, truly.

drink up, baby, stay up all night
the things you could do, you won't but you might
the potential you'll be that you'll never see
the promises you'll only make
drink up with me now and forget all about the pressure of days
do what i say and i'll make you okay and drive them away
the images stuck in your head
people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
that push and shove and won't bend to your will
i'll keep them still
drink up, baby, look at the stars, i'll kiss you again
between the bars where i'm seeing you
there with your hands in the air waiting to finally be caught
drink up one more time and i'll make you mine
keep you apart deep in my heart separate from the rest
where i like you the best
and keep the things you forgot
the people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
that push and shove and won't bend to your will
i'll keep them still

Fast enough to lose yourself.

You did say, need me less and I'll want you more.
I'm still shell shocked at needing anyone,
used to being used to it on my own.
It won't be me out on the tiles till four-
thirty, while you're in bed, willing the door
open with your need. You wanted her then,
more. Because you need to, I woke alone
in what's not yet our room, strewn, though, with your
guitar, shoes, notebook, socks, trousers enjambed
with mine. Half the world was sleeping it off
in every other bed under my roof.
I wish I had a roof over my bed
to pull down on my head when I feel damned
by wanting you so much it looks like need.

Grief, and I want to take it up in you;
joy, and I want to spend it all inside
you; fear, and you are the place I can hide.
Courage is what leaves me brave enough to
turn you around and tell you what to do
to me, after. Rivers, and downstream glide
I; we breathe together. You look, or I'd
get scared, but you're watching while you take me through
the deep part, where I find you, where you need
to know I do know where, know how to drive
the point home. Wit: you get the point and flat
statement of a gift of tongues. I get
up, and you get me down, get lost, you lead
me home, or I take you, and we both arrive.

How can you love me with the things I feel
that scare me crashing on the window glass?
How can you love me when I'm such an ass-
hole (sometimes) I can't take hold of what's real-
ly there and use it, let you take the wheel
and put my head back as the truck-stops pass?
Where would we go that morning? Would the grass
beside the highway mount to granite, steel
and rubber take us far enough that I
could pull my ghosts out of my guts and cry
for them, with you behind me, on some high
stone place, where water breaks from underground
arteries with hard breaths, that would sound
like mine, letting them go, saying goodbye?
- Marilyn Hacker

Breathing in reverse.

Are the benefits truly worth the cost? A question that is continuously being asked. The truth is that I won't know until it's too late, which makes this situation even more difficult. I just want to make sure that when it's all over I'll still feel like myself.

Where is my place to level out?

I scare myself when I start gasping for breath while trying to explain myself. I cannot help that my emotions get the best of me sometimes, but when it's concerning something as important to me as this, it's bound to happen. I just wish I could remain stronger through all of this, however, it's hard when I take it all so personally.

i saw a sunrise.

I am honestly having trouble distinguishing between what was reality and what I wish were reality. I dreamed about a perfect situation in the place where I was lying and woke up lying in that place however it was less-than-perfect. My dreams were so vivid and real and I really felt your sincerity and beauty. And yet, I had to wake up to see that nothing has changed and I'm still living the present moment. What else on earth could be more sad to wake up to? That disgusting feeling of regret and pain once again. Waking up is the worst part.

I wish this headache would go away, I can barely hear my thoughts anymore. Maybe that's a good thing, though.

Unbelievably oblivious.

I am stronger than this. I haven't worked this hard to become what I promised I would never be. One glance and it's all wiped away. I pretend I did not notice, but what is felt cannot be forgotten. Comfort, at such strange times. Insecurity, a split second later. There is not a drop of consistency to be found. Yet, what is it that I cannot seem to forget? The feeling of liberation only lasts for a moment, but I want it back for good. Where can that be found? Why are you so fucking unbelievably oblivious to those around you? This taste of disgust rolls right off my tongue. I want to take it all back. Back, back, back to the start.

Unattainable.

I'm sitting with you
Sitting in silence
Listening to birds
It feels like home

pretending.

the grass is not always greener.
the grass is not always greener.
the grass is not always greener.
the grass is not always greener.
the grass is not always greener.
the grass is not always greener.
the grass is not always greener.
the grass is not always greener.
the grass is not always greener.
the grass is not always greener.

i'm allergic to grass anyway.

Lacking sense.

Sugar has never given me the supposed 'rush' that it's known for. I usually eat it to remain sane and half-alive. This can't be healthy, but there's worse I could be getting myself into. I wonder what I'll have to strive for in order to get the feeling that I'm searching out.

I can barely understand what it is that I'm being guided toward anymore. I don't know the sound of my own voice. The harsh breathing and soft coughing is enough to make anyone feel like an alien.

O' What a Nightmare! Knowing what is most likely best for you but being unable to achieve it because of the overwhelming empathy for others. Just need to remind myself that I come first and others have to take backseat sometimes...

Reworking the past.

I spent most of Monday trying to find a new stylus for my Dad's 1980's turntable. Finally, I just ended up buying a new cartridge which will last me quite a long time..and this way I can actually find the needles that I'll need to purchase.
There was something about that first beautiful crackle that came through my speakers. It took me back to my childhood when I would play around with records and make my Dad teach me how to play them. Such a raw, beautiful way to listen to the music I love.

Continuous.

Never sure how to begin when the start has passed by me already. New home, new people, and a job that has me running 24/7. The world is a familiar shade of red and orange that I had almost left behind me. The thrill of new situations is amazing despite that occasional sick feeling.

Here's to trying to keep track of my life!