I could live for better, at least I thought so.

Experiencing an overwhelming feeling of guilt. Leaving this behind. Forgetting to put anything else ahead. Yet, I'm enjoying myself. The schoolwork is falling far behind, and despite the occasion moment of shame, it's all moving along. I have no one to blame except myself for the failures that I encounter, and if I don't proceed to try, then yes, I will fail, that's obvious and I need to fucking realize it.

5 days until it could potentially end for good. I was dramatically different when it began, and I truly hope it's all for the best. It still baffles me that one tiny, seemingly insignificant moment can impact everything so tremendously. I mean, what if I had not walked down that path one specific day? Or decided to stay home from that other party? Or even, stayed with what I had, instead of deciding that it could never work before I truly ever tried? But through all of those steps and moments and conversations I am trying to map it all out, and understand where each person has left their mark upon me.
This feels like a quarter-life crisis. Only I'm not in crisis, I just fucking afraid of failing. I have these hopes, but they're more difficult to accomplish than anything I can imagine doing. But then I take a breath and remember that I'm only 21 and I potentially have plenty of time, to succeed at 'anything I put my mind to,' right?

This has turned into something more revealing than I had initially intended. I just wanted to make an effort to update this since the past month or so I've been slacking. When you find what makes you happy, writing does not feel as necessary anymore, as one would rather be experiencing that which is providing all the joy. And oh, what joy.
After all the time spent asking why?, and how could this happen?, life spun me around and shoved me in a direction that I honestly never thought possible. To be continued...