I Woke Up With This Song In My Head This Morning

I haven't been gone very long but it feels like a lifetime.

2009-06-05T03:00:00.004-04:00

If I could tame all of my desires. Wait out the weather that howls in my brain. Cause it seems that it's always changing, the wind's indecision, the sorrowful rain. I was a postcard, I was a record, I was a camera until I went blind. Now I'm riding all over this island, looking for something to open my eyes.

A double-take of complete confusion, while muttering what was once believed to be the truth. A beautiful surprise that managed to rip the top of my head right off. The universe rains down on you, yet you act as if this falling from the sky is a regular occurrence. I'm still holding my breath, yet I emerged from the water miles ago.

Slowly (Oh so slowly)

2009-03-29T01:08:00.004-04:00

We stay because we don't know where else to go.

Then there's the two
of us. This word
is far too short for us, it has only
four letters, too sparse
to fill those deep bare
vacuums between the stars
that press on us with their deafness.
It's not love we don't wish
to fall into, but that fear.
This word is not enough but it will
have to do. It's a single
vowel in this metallic
silence, a mouth that says
O again and again in wonder
and pain, a breath, a finger
grip on a cliffside. You can
hold on or let go.

You were like a walking compliment.

2009-03-24T02:57:00.008-04:00

(please view large)

I hardly write anymore. I go through phases and periods of intense thoughts that I feel obligated to write down, however lately it's been the opposite. My mind is this empty cave of confusion and dark thoughts. I've become rigid and frozen. I've forgotten how to be alone with my thoughts, let alone explain what is racing through my mind. I've somehow let these fears and anxieties of mine overtake my life. I'm strong enough to overcome this, I'm sure I am. Yet, I haven't found the inspiration I so desperately need to push myself, and I doubt it's going to appear miraculously however much I wish. It's not all bad, but that's all my mind seems to focus on, despite my valiant efforts. Every moment I spend in the sunshine I feel myself unraveling. How much longer will I have to wait for complete and utter tranquility?

2009-02-21T05:45:00.004-05:00

Promo shots I did for the band The Artful Vandelays back in December. This was for their their EP: Four RIng Circus.
Check out the band here:
www.thefourringcircus.com/

Any comments or critiques on these shots?

Ashes in the snow.

2009-02-13T06:33:00.003-05:00

I've forgotten how to sleep. Tiredness hasn't presented itself to me yet. I'll just continue on and on and on. Soon the morning will break and I'll have to face the sun upon my face once again. I'm tired of this constant shivering. The ringing in my head is so painful. It's another reminder of the cloudiness that is accumulating in my mind. I hope that when this is all over I'll still have someone to return to.

Traveling north, traveling north to find you.

2009-02-12T02:38:00.011-05:00

This saline is clouding my thoughts. I want to look clearly upon this and try to remain sincere to myself. Being alone is so hard right now. I feel weak. So listless and helpless. I want this all to be over. I want the clarity and stability that I've worked so hard for. I don't want to lose all that I love. I don't want to be clingy, but all that can cure this endless emptiness is the warmth of a heartbeat. I'm so sorry that I'm placing all of this upon you. I wish I could face these demons all alone but I've lost the strength. I want to be the one who makes you smile. When will the end come to find me? I don't even think I have what it takes anymore.

To Save Me

2009-02-07T00:43:00.001-05:00

How much effort could it possibly take
to save me, to save me, to save me, just to save me?
Save me from sailing over the edge.

Ocean and a Rock

2009-02-05T01:46:00.003-05:00

Thoughts of you, warm my bones; I'm on the way, I'm on the phone, let's get lost, me and you, an ocean and a rock is nothing to me. I am far away from where you lay, awake the day while you fall to sleep an ocean and a rock away. I keep you in the pockets of my dresses and the bristles of my brushes spin you into my curls today.
I spoon you into my coffee cup, spin you through a delicate wash, I wear you all day.

I was aiming for perfection but maybe perfection is my absolute best, despite flaws. I've been so caught up in what I believed to be the truth, perhaps that was all a facade and what I need to focus on is what I'm being told is truly happening. An outside view is sometimes what can shatter deception when you're too caught up in your own mind.

I went to sleep for the daytime.

2009-01-30T01:11:00.003-05:00

I appear to have lost every word that once flowed through my mind, begging me to stop and take note. I am hardly aware of my own thoughts. Trying to explain my own actions to myself is an effort in itself. My mind has dulled. These thoughts have all been dreamt before and spoken of. My feeble sentences have no strength against the powerful arguments others display in front of me. I talk in circles and explain in ambiguous statements. Being concise forces me to be decisive while taking hold of all that I dare to speak aloud. I hide behind excuses and 'yeah, it's fine(s)'... when does one realize they are cutting themselves off from reality? These late winter nights seem to mess with all that I think I know.

'Ain't this just like the present to be showing up like this?'

If Winter Ends

2009-01-29T03:20:00.004-05:00


i love you much (most beautiful darling)

more than anyone on the earth and i
like you better than everything in the sky
-sunlight and singing welcome your coming

although winter may be everywhere
with such a silence and such a darkness
no one can quite begin to guess

(except my life) the true time of year-

and if what calls itself a world should have
the luck to hear such singing (or glimpse such
sunlight as will leap higher than high
through gayer than gayest someone's heart at your each

nearness)everyone certainly would(my
most beautiful darling) believe in nothing but love

-e.e. cummings

Best Albums - 2008

2008-12-27T02:06:00.001-05:00

This was beyond difficult, there was so much to choose from! This year provided more music than I had time to listen to. Please feel free to leave your own lists, or comments about mine! Discussions welcome. Looking forward to 2009!

1. Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago
2. Conor Oberst - S/T
3. Sigur Rós - Med Sud I Eyrum Vid Spilum Endalaust
4. Death Cab For Cutie - Narrow Stairs
5. Lydia - Illuminate
6. City and Colour – Bring Me Your Love
7. Copeland - You Are My Sunshine
8. She & Him – Volume One
9. Right Away, Great Captain! – The Eventually Home
10. Tallest Man On Earth - Shallow Graves

11. Neva Dinova – You May Already Be Dreaming
12. Margot and the Nuclear So and So’s – Not Animal
13. Elliott Brood – Mountain Meadows
14. Johnny Flynn - A Larum
15. Little Joy – S/T
16. Jenny Lewis - Acid Tongue
17. Colour Revolt - Plunder, Beg, and Curse
18. Jaguar Love - Take Me To The Sea
19. Kings of Leon - Only By the Night
20. Hey Rosetta - Into Your Lungs
21. Jack's Mannequin - The Glass Passenger
22. Horse Feathers - House With No Home
23. The Wooden Sky - When Lost At Sea
24. Fleet Foxes - S/T
25. Butch Walker - Sycamore Meadows
26. God Is An Astronaut - S/T
27. Ladyhawk - Shots
28. Beck - Modern Guilt
29. In the Pines – S/T
30. Beach House - Devotion
31. Good Old War - Only Way
32. Love As Laughter - Holy
33. Rural Alberta Advantage – Hometowns
34. Ace Enders and a Million Different People - The Secret Wars
35. Autumn Picture – The Field
36. Plants and Animals - Parc Avenue
37. Annuals - Such Fun
38. Born Ruffians – Red, Yellow and Blue
39. Noah and the Whale – S/T
40. Lightspeed Champion – Falling Off the Lavender Bridge
41. Port O'Brien - All We Could Do Was Sing
42. Anathallo – Canopy Glow
43. Paper Rival - Dialog
44. Mogwai – The Hawk Is Howling
45. Q-Tip - Renaissance
46. Sleepercar - West Texas
47. Person L - Initial
48. The Little Ones - Morning Tide
49. Anthony Green - Avalon
50. Nik Freitas - Sun Down

Honourable Mention goes to: Tilly and the Wall – O, The Uglysuit – S/T, Peter and the Wolf - Mellow Owl, Ray LaMontagne - Gossip in the Grain, Giants – Old Stories, Jakob Dylan – Seeing Things, Calexico - Carried to Dust

Can't deny it any longer.

2008-12-14T02:44:00.003-05:00

I've been back at home with my family since Thursday, and it's been a much needed rest. Eating proper meals, relaxing, playing with my cat, and trying to leave all my worries back in Toronto. When I'm in Toronto I feel as though I must be in constant motion. Accomplishing things, going out, seeing people, and while at home I'm able to just stop and (finally) reflect on everything.

I don't know where my head has been this past week or so. It was as if my body and mind had been invaded and I was struggling to stay afloat despite the flooding occurring in my mind. Often I become so entranced by my own emotions, I can barely notice what is happening around me. The pain that I supposedly feel is all I can take note of and it seems to wash over me like a 5 minute summer rain. How do I take hold of myself and snap back to reality? I honestly scare myself sometimes when I do not know where all these emotions are suddenly rushing from.

It's official, I have to accept that Christmas is here whether I'm ready for it or not. My family and drove out to the country today and cut down our own Christmas tree. My house now has a lovely smell of pine needles that never fails to remind me of an earlier time. I've had a real Christmas tree every year of my life, it's something my parents insist upon. No matter how ridiculous my family can be, I'm lucky to have people who look out for me and truly care about my happiness.

Of course, I did all the heavy labour!

Your love will be safe with me.

2008-12-07T17:15:00.005-05:00

I was dreaming about your record collection and all of our scratched affection.

Winter brings me back to the craving of sleeping endlessly in my bed all day and night. I begin to wonder what's the point in moving when I'll end up back there soon enough anyway. I fall asleep to the darkness and wake up to the darkness, as if nothing has even changed. My dreams are active enough that I barely need to pretend I've nothing much of anything. I see friends, listen to records, go on grand adventures, and it's almost better than anything I could actually do. Until however, there's that point in which someone dies a horrific death or that best friend literally stabs you in the back, then you just have to hope it really is a dream. That's when waking up is quite satisfying. I am very thankful that none of those things happen in my day-to-day life. I have already felt the clenching fear and sadness it can impose.

I have this terrible way of being able to impose extreme feelings of anger and sadness upon myself. The way a pendulum swings, it can change in a moment's notice. I want it to go away. Why can't I have a stable emotion that lasts a significant amount of time. Be able to sit down and enjoy one thing without needing to multi-task or stand up 5 minutes later to begin another task that will inevitably never get finished. I frustrate myself. I don't even know how to explain this the way I'd like to.

Your beauty makes me cry.
Continuously; Dizzy. Nervous. Nauseous. Happy. Content. Fear.

I need a fucking vacation.

I could live for better, at least I thought so.

2008-12-02T21:39:00.005-05:00

Experiencing an overwhelming feeling of guilt. Leaving this behind. Forgetting to put anything else ahead. Yet, I'm enjoying myself. The schoolwork is falling far behind, and despite the occasion moment of shame, it's all moving along. I have no one to blame except myself for the failures that I encounter, and if I don't proceed to try, then yes, I will fail, that's obvious and I need to fucking realize it.

5 days until it could potentially end for good. I was dramatically different when it began, and I truly hope it's all for the best. It still baffles me that one tiny, seemingly insignificant moment can impact everything so tremendously. I mean, what if I had not walked down that path one specific day? Or decided to stay home from that other party? Or even, stayed with what I had, instead of deciding that it could never work before I truly ever tried? But through all of those steps and moments and conversations I am trying to map it all out, and understand where each person has left their mark upon me.
This feels like a quarter-life crisis. Only I'm not in crisis, I just fucking afraid of failing. I have these hopes, but they're more difficult to accomplish than anything I can imagine doing. But then I take a breath and remember that I'm only 21 and I potentially have plenty of time, to succeed at 'anything I put my mind to,' right?

This has turned into something more revealing than I had initially intended. I just wanted to make an effort to update this since the past month or so I've been slacking. When you find what makes you happy, writing does not feel as necessary anymore, as one would rather be experiencing that which is providing all the joy. And oh, what joy.
After all the time spent asking why?, and how could this happen?, life spun me around and shoved me in a direction that I honestly never thought possible. To be continued...

Sepia glow.

2008-10-22T01:40:00.002-04:00

I can imagine a luminous glow peeking through, and it could be so fucking magnificent if it wasn't hidden behind your every concern and fear. I am pretending just fine, there are no expectations in this broad daylight. But imagine a day when it could all be so refreshing? Reminiscent of the past that one should never live off of...

Maybe soon I could breathe again. Be able to finally go let of these tensed muscles and cloudy thoughts. Oh, how I wish I could picture the beauty of that first breath.
My lungs will fill up and I will know that I truly want to exhale and have the cycle repeat continuously. The knots in my brain won't untie and I'm about to lose all consciousness. This pain is never ending, and there is no cure. Why must my life be hidden behind these throbbing aches?

send your lifeboats out for me

XO

2008-10-22T01:11:00.007-04:00

I'm never going to know you now,
But I'm gonna love you anyhow.

Steven Paul "Elliott" Smith (August 6, 1969 – October 21, 2003)

I Don't Think I'm Ever Gonna Figure It Out

It's hard to believe you were ever really here... You are beyond missed, Elliott. I doubt you could even imagine. I truly hope wherever you are the pain has left and in it's place there is a sense of peace. Every time I think of you, it's hard not to feel sadness creeping in... I need to be strong and remember that you have graciously left us so many of your genius thoughts and beautiful melodies, that I am so very thankful for. You have helped me through some difficult days. Thank you, truly.

drink up, baby, stay up all night
the things you could do, you won't but you might
the potential you'll be that you'll never see
the promises you'll only make
drink up with me now and forget all about the pressure of days
do what i say and i'll make you okay and drive them away
the images stuck in your head
people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
that push and shove and won't bend to your will
i'll keep them still
drink up, baby, look at the stars, i'll kiss you again
between the bars where i'm seeing you
there with your hands in the air waiting to finally be caught
drink up one more time and i'll make you mine
keep you apart deep in my heart separate from the rest
where i like you the best
and keep the things you forgot
the people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
that push and shove and won't bend to your will
i'll keep them still

Fast enough to lose yourself.

2008-10-19T15:44:00.005-04:00

You did say, need me less and I'll want you more.
I'm still shell shocked at needing anyone,
used to being used to it on my own.
It won't be me out on the tiles till four-
thirty, while you're in bed, willing the door
open with your need. You wanted her then,
more. Because you need to, I woke alone
in what's not yet our room, strewn, though, with your
guitar, shoes, notebook, socks, trousers enjambed
with mine. Half the world was sleeping it off
in every other bed under my roof.
I wish I had a roof over my bed
to pull down on my head when I feel damned
by wanting you so much it looks like need.

Grief, and I want to take it up in you;
joy, and I want to spend it all inside
you; fear, and you are the place I can hide.
Courage is what leaves me brave enough to
turn you around and tell you what to do
to me, after. Rivers, and downstream glide
I; we breathe together. You look, or I'd
get scared, but you're watching while you take me through
the deep part, where I find you, where you need
to know I do know where, know how to drive
the point home. Wit: you get the point and flat
statement of a gift of tongues. I get
up, and you get me down, get lost, you lead
me home, or I take you, and we both arrive.

How can you love me with the things I feel
that scare me crashing on the window glass?
How can you love me when I'm such an ass-
hole (sometimes) I can't take hold of what's real-
ly there and use it, let you take the wheel
and put my head back as the truck-stops pass?
Where would we go that morning? Would the grass
beside the highway mount to granite, steel
and rubber take us far enough that I
could pull my ghosts out of my guts and cry
for them, with you behind me, on some high
stone place, where water breaks from underground
arteries with hard breaths, that would sound
like mine, letting them go, saying goodbye?
- Marilyn Hacker

Breathing in reverse.

2008-10-18T02:52:00.004-04:00

Are the benefits truly worth the cost? A question that is continuously being asked. The truth is that I won't know until it's too late, which makes this situation even more difficult. I just want to make sure that when it's all over I'll still feel like myself.

Where is my place to level out?

I scare myself when I start gasping for breath while trying to explain myself. I cannot help that my emotions get the best of me sometimes, but when it's concerning something as important to me as this, it's bound to happen. I just wish I could remain stronger through all of this, however, it's hard when I take it all so personally.

i saw a sunrise.

2008-10-10T17:43:00.005-04:00

I am honestly having trouble distinguishing between what was reality and what I wish were reality. I dreamed about a perfect situation in the place where I was lying and woke up lying in that place however it was less-than-perfect. My dreams were so vivid and real and I really felt your sincerity and beauty. And yet, I had to wake up to see that nothing has changed and I'm still living the present moment. What else on earth could be more sad to wake up to? That disgusting feeling of regret and pain once again. Waking up is the worst part.

I wish this headache would go away, I can barely hear my thoughts anymore. Maybe that's a good thing, though.

Unbelievably oblivious.

2008-10-10T17:29:00.000-04:00

I am stronger than this. I haven't worked this hard to become what I promised I would never be. One glance and it's all wiped away. I pretend I did not notice, but what is felt cannot be forgotten. Comfort, at such strange times. Insecurity, a split second later. There is not a drop of consistency to be found. Yet, what is it that I cannot seem to forget? The feeling of liberation only lasts for a moment, but I want it back for good. Where can that be found? Why are you so fucking unbelievably oblivious to those around you? This taste of disgust rolls right off my tongue. I want to take it all back. Back, back, back to the start.

Unattainable.

2008-10-07T17:29:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting with you
Sitting in silence
Listening to birds
It feels like home

pretending.

2008-10-06T18:51:00.000-04:00

the grass is not always greener.
the grass is not always greener.
the grass is not always greener.
the grass is not always greener.
the grass is not always greener.
the grass is not always greener.
the grass is not always greener.
the grass is not always greener.
the grass is not always greener.
the grass is not always greener.

i'm allergic to grass anyway.

Lacking sense.

2008-10-05T23:56:00.000-04:00

Sugar has never given me the supposed 'rush' that it's known for. I usually eat it to remain sane and half-alive. This can't be healthy, but there's worse I could be getting myself into. I wonder what I'll have to strive for in order to get the feeling that I'm searching out.

I can barely understand what it is that I'm being guided toward anymore. I don't know the sound of my own voice. The harsh breathing and soft coughing is enough to make anyone feel like an alien.

O' What a Nightmare! Knowing what is most likely best for you but being unable to achieve it because of the overwhelming empathy for others. Just need to remind myself that I come first and others have to take backseat sometimes...

Reworking the past.

2008-10-03T01:21:00.000-04:00

I spent most of Monday trying to find a new stylus for my Dad's 1980's turntable. Finally, I just ended up buying a new cartridge which will last me quite a long time..and this way I can actually find the needles that I'll need to purchase.
There was something about that first beautiful crackle that came through my speakers. It took me back to my childhood when I would play around with records and make my Dad teach me how to play them. Such a raw, beautiful way to listen to the music I love.

Continuous.

2008-10-01T21:32:00.000-04:00

Never sure how to begin when the start has passed by me already. New home, new people, and a job that has me running 24/7. The world is a familiar shade of red and orange that I had almost left behind me. The thrill of new situations is amazing despite that occasional sick feeling.

Here's to trying to keep track of my life!